Moving through emotions and having a plan of where you want to go or end up is so powerful. This morning, I woke up opened my blinds to amazing sun, made coffee, and felt excitement for my day ahead. I am not doing anything particularly exciting – I am meeting my grandma at the old condo for photos, getting lunch, seeing kaitle/. installing curtains (with the power drill i have become more accustom to using) grocery shopping for the week ahead, alanas parents for dinner with danny . but my mindset is completely shifted. I used to stay in bed as long as i could, keep curtains shut. depressed. not want to do anything, completely consumed by trauma and grief. Melanie texted me she went on a date with a great guy she likes, my french friends are planning for nepal, and ellie/mal are having me book the austin air bnb for next weekend. Nothing major. Yet I can think about every action, every person i am interacting with in my life and feel like they are full body yes-es to me. The new friends in my building, too! dom called me twice yesterday to see if i could trail run w him, and then got on my ass for not calling him back. I facetimed him and showed him the boot lol, so we made plans for dinner instead. I also find that if i get any kind of flirtatious attention, i am not interested. my self worth is building so much. it feels SO GOOD.Is it because I feel like im becoming healthier, working on my shit and want to attempt again with matt? partially but the more i thought about it last night, the more i realized his regression and choice not to handle things w me in love, connection and care , w emotional intelligence, with grace and love after a decade – how i am being prioritized? is absolute trash. Why would i want to rebuild myself after the infidelity trauma – the emotional manipulation and abuse he caused for YEARS just to be turned around and treated poorly by him yet again? because lets be real– all the growth i constantly funneled into him for the last 3 years i am finally starting to reap the benefits of personally. I have such a fun vibrant personality to me. I am smart. I am strong. I am not the negative, spiteful, emotionally unstable person i have been the last 2 years. I am not just finding my way “back” to myself- i am actually growing into someone i have never even tapped into yet- and these are LASTING changes. I am starting to love myself again some days. I actually clean my apt, make food, take care of myself, move my body out of love. its crazy compared to how i was operating the last few years. Of course, it is intertwined w grief, disappointment, sadness, trauma responses – BUT i can also feel the momentum building within me. I made the right call. I am building community that i love. why the hell didnt i move out of my granpdas years ago lol. my support system makes me smile.
I am on day 3 of wearing an air cast for my shin fracture. A year or two ago? this air cast news would have sent me into such a negative thought spiral. i would have been bawling, probably calling kate or matt 100 times panicking about not being able to work out, letting eating disorder thoughts take over. this is how i KNOW i am changing- I saw my aircast this morning as i got out of bed and i smiled at it. LOL. Literally i smiled at it. my first thought? guess i got 6 weeks to nail handstand. SAVANNAH YOUNG WHAT?!!??! that my friends, is the power of self work. Lack of being enabled. matt enabled the fuck out of me, and then resented me for it. He didn’t have the courage to step up, speak up, or the desire to have a dialogue w me to help me better myself. maybe bc he was scared? who knows- but all i. know is that I have been doing a ton of mental shifting since this summer. slowly slowly. its been micro steps. I used to let my happiness be dictated by external events (travel, getting into schools, good grades, matts love for me) but inside i would always be slightly unwell. Nobody else called me out on it. – they probably didn’t know. I know matt had mentioned to me he felt like i was negative when we were on calls summer 2017 – but i dont think either of us realized how much my happiness/negativity was influenced by external circumstances for me. Same with happiness? negatives as well. After the infidelity- i hung out in a positive space for awhile because i quit the job i didn’t love, i was getting external attention from miles, i was doing YTT, making new friends, traveling, etc. but as soon as i settled back in ATL in my grandpas and faced the trauma w matt daily- down down down i went. I spiraled, hard. The less he did, the more he avoided – the more i gave away my power. I wish i would have had the insight and love to say ” hey – i clearly am being negatively impacted in how you are going about this. clearly i want to be w you.. i have stuck w you but we gotta take time/ space until you determine your hows/whys/ needs/ desires w/o me in your face every day because its killing me”. we had the sufficient amount of love- but NONE of the tools. I am still building my toolbox for self empowerment. I spent the last 2 years building matts toolbox to create safety for me, and he operated as my emotional dumpster, and emotional regulator (enabler). our probs were way bigger than infidelity. i dont know that either of us could see it – but i FELT it. hence my increased anxiety daily of feeling like ” i cant do this i cant do this” there were too many underlying dynamics at play. it took me stepping away to see and feel and process and change all of them. I know i am going to step into an amazing life that lights me up- i WISH he would do the same and we could come back. together and create a legitmiately fucking beautiful partnership that aligns, but i just dont know what his determination for self work, realization, plans, or desires are for his life long term. or if the avoidance, ease, surface level stuff is where he wants to live. I truly don’t want to be with him if its the latter- there are undoubetdly better fits for me out there that want to step in and out of the work without it taking over our lives lol.
I woke up several times in the night last night upset or in cyclical thought patterns about how matt hasn’t shown up for me or cared. how things have gone down. how much more i care- amongst other things. I feel bursts of anger, frustration, sadness. Wishing i could change things. feeling the beauty of what i have cultivated around me , yet also in the frustration that he doesnt want to work toward building something w me. maybe he never did. he wanted to run in the first place. Again- thinking about a long term partner for me -i do NOT want a runner, avoider, wishy washy man. I want consistency but also fireeee. I want to feel chemistry. I want lots of sex. i have been craving physical intimacy like no other- but have 0 desire to just find someone to be intimate with. it HAS to feel right. I did a lot of crappy intimate exchanges in the last few years out of shadow sides and trauma. I thnk about them with a twinge of regret- but also w full awareness they are a part of my journey for a reason.
next month marks my 6 months as an integrative med practitoner- and i am starting to navigate what comes next for me. I have been writing almost nightly I want to write a book.I want to travel and live remote. I also do want to build a life with someone – a life that i LOVE. Finding a partner that is fun, active, emotionally intelligent, that WANTS to take accountability and responsibility without me changing them? that wants to do the crazy shit i like to do? lol will nbe hard to find- and i will not settle for less, that is for sure. Finding and matching my desires is more important to me than feeling “lonely”. lol. sav- that inner fire is back baby. at least for today( call me tonight i will probs be in tears). but that is what is soo beautiful about life. there is room for it all. and what i learned in the last 3 years? if you get stuck in 1 spot too long- you gotta call a break or quits. not to be w other people or distract w endurance but to reflect, re shape/shift and determine what matters to you inside. I am booking my flights for nepal today (yay) little shin i hope you heal heal heal baby. In the meantime, sending love and amazing energy to any one that stumbles upon this as you begin your week.