shape- shifting and soul thoughts

I have been writing almost daily, which is such a healthy release for me. When i put effort into writing – i can create beautiful posts, stories, ideas. I used to put a lot of energy and intentionality into my words for blog posts, instagram posts- even text messages. As of late, i am using these things as self therapy. It doesn’t matter what it looks like to anyone else.

Last night I went over to Dominiks rooftop and had a drink with melanie, taye and jordan. We ordered Last night I went over to Dominiks rooftop and had a drink with melanie, taye and jordan. We ordered thai food and danced around the fire. I took a couple of deep breaths and took comfort in the fact that I could hvae so much fun , with people that were strangers a few months ago in my new home. For years- I havent allowed myself to have fun. so much was constricted. I held on so tightly in my partnership. I thought about how much i would have loved to have matt there. to create fun and magic with him. How long it had been since i allowed that to flow between the two of us. Its taken me losing him to really realize how much i fully want a life with him and to see how majorly i messed up. How much work i have to do on myself and my attachment issues. I really did become so unwell. and have been unwell. it makes sense he would not feel safe. i did not handle things well. i didnt know. i really did not have the tools . The major hesitation i have on his end- is in how he is able to detach from me, and is so easily step into whatever environment he is in. I do accept all of him for who he is- i feel horrible for ever making him feel like he was not enough , or making him responsible for all of my emotions. it was extremely unhealthy.

The last year of our relationship, i kept thinking that it was me that was making it so unhappy. My constant anxiety attacks, freak outs, feeling like he wasn’t in it- but now i can see that it was just as much him if not more him, than i. He learned that he struggles to speak up , set boundaries and step into power to cultivate change in a partnership with me- yet he still wasnt doing any of those things. He is so removed from his emotions at times, that i think resentment built and built over time, and he was able to fake it/ reassure/ pretend for MONTHS. similarly to what happened with the infidelities- Which is why when the break occurred/ he flipped his narrative so quickly in a matter of 9 weeks. It has me completely gutted. if the roles were reversed it would have made a lot more sense- but he does this “False reassurance” thing- where you never really know what the truth actually is. He is able to be so swayed by his environment, influence from me, or whatever situation he is in. The time that he felt the most like himself was on the MDMA and i would kill to go back and meet him in that space. i was so cold and turned off to him. HE did not deserve that. I was still so scared and shut down. I didn’t trust that he was there because he actually wanted to be. Those fears were confirmed in december when i said i feel hurt he hasnt chosen me and he agreed he has never 100% chosen me. Why would i give him access to the amazing fun, connected, beautiful parts of myself if deep down i feel rejected on a visceral level? if he chose me and continously loved me and treated me well – I would give him access to all of those parts and more. I would cut the shit, not care nearly as much about the small stuff and let him all the way in again. We could create the beautiful life- but instead i have walls up and have had walls up for years.They built post infidelity as he didnt step into his work, the truth, or make advancements forward in a life w me. Did not ask to move in or re propose. The insecurity on my end led to manipulative things like the residency situation, what i did with sebastian etc. It all came from deep insecurity and not trusting that he was in this with me for the long haul- not because i actually wanted a life without him. 1 foot out created safety for me. It was not fair to him- and allowed for more hurt in the downfall, but i have never not actually wanted him.

The one thing i do know- is that he deeply does love me. He has been acting like he does not . The things that have come out of his mouth since dec 21 have echoed continuously in my mind and have cut me so deeply. the worst one being ” i am the most ready to get married now than i ever have been- im just not open to you”. my jaw wants to hit the floor. its such a slap in my face, and hurts so bad. I know he knows it too. He was messaging a girl while on the phone with me the other night as i poured my heart out. Big ouch. its disrepect and hurt. Radical transparency should not stop when we interact just because we are not together right now. I feel connected to him, as he has told me he feels connected to me in an inseperable way. I think we both could use some growth, self regulation around one another and with walls down meet one another with open hearts and a clear chance to re create something different. i. also. know. i can create an amazing life without him- and that no longer scares me. I also don’t know wht kind of life he wants to create. I picture him in a future because i know the type of shit that lights me up inside and the type of shit that lights him up are pretty similar- races, adventure, travel, fitness/health, new experiences, and saying “yes” to most things. We have ongoing chemistry after a DECADE and a fuck ton of trauma. That is hard to find. we have so many of the same interests and desires. he says hes “closed off” to me right now- but i think its a lot of heartache and pain, regret, uncertainty. insecurity, ANGER at me for the last 2 years, but probbably moreso anger at himself. I am the same. i am angry at myself for not telling him to figure his shit out a few years ago instead of letting myself get taken under in the process. I also don’t trust that he wont get swept away though- into a life w someone else, or a new path without me. and that scares me. the commitment piece is terrifiying. I am writing all this out as i think because it helps me process. i doubt the recent posts will help anyone at all- lol. its really a personal diary. i COULD take what i am saying in these and make them lessons/ interesting to read to an outsider, but emotionally i dont think i am there yet. instaed for now i will keep it at raw thoughts.

i know i keep saying it – but i am glad i stepped away so he could find his truth, and me mine. I was not expecting him to be THIS detached, cold, or removed. this many walls. this much distance and pain. That man can detach and separate like nobody i have ever met before. He struggles to put things into words, or invite difficult conversation. he thought a single conversation with me on dec 31 after a ton of chaos from 21-31 was sufficient. maybe he was just scared of me- which i do get. it makes me sad- because im really not scary- my shadows can be. I am working with a coach to help me in the process of shadow work. I think we both know how unhealthy i am right now. hes right for not wanting to take on my emotions, and he should never have to. i know thta he has no idea- but that the answer will not be found by avoidance. – i think he doesnt know what he wants. but i think as he starts to navigate fun lighthearted easy options, he may see i am legit someone to BUILD with. an i aint fuckin around. I am funnnnn and excitiing when i am myself. I have been lost and hurt by him in recent years- but it was my mistake in how i emotionally dumped on him. i was not taking responsibility for my own emotions and actions. I am in that process now finally of actually healing.

On the flipside though, i dont want to help him navigate and continue to develop. I want him to. be responsible for his own self development journey. I have to start to open myself up to other options as well. I have had quite a few options lately- but i am not concerned, as i know that i will continue to have those options. I am in no rush. Attention does not do anything for me. Meeting someones heart and soul? i fall in love. attention is running away, its ego, its insecurity. Sure – it feels good to be desired – but i dont want to be simply desired – i want to be known, loved, and deeply accepted for all that i am and what i bring to the table. we went out on saturday night- and as usual i wore no makeup. I got into a conversation with melanie, and the group of people we went out with, and the topic somehow came up. None of the other women there could relate. Its in those moments that i feel the most connected to my authenticity. Not because i think I am better, or look down on wearing make up- but for how insecure i have felt with matt, post infidelity, after 9 surgeries on my face – it feels really good to be able to say with confidence that i dont wear or feel the need for make up. Some women feel beautiful in it- i just feel fake. like i am hiding from my truest self. i like to FEEL genuine and authentic. i don’t care so much what i look like on the outside- though i do want to emphasize how important taking care of your body is- but rather feeling radiant from the inside out is what brings me my truest desires. I feel pressure in my age in having kids and getting married- yet as i have navigated being alone since matt “ended it” in december- im weirdly feeling a stillness. a lack of a rush. i feel like i have a ton of time. i want to let my life unfold. Melanie last night was sending me messages about how she wants a partner etc. and i can relate- yet i dont know that i feel the same. Maybe its because i am still in love with matt- maybe its because i have confidence that it will all make sense in time. im not sure. but it does feel good to start to take care of myself again. and have full confidence that i can and meet someone that i am undoubtedly a full yes to.

when i was in the infidelity trauma w matt- i stopped taking care of myself. i didnt clean up, make my bed, cook or design anything. i stopped caring and making the little things in life beautiful. as i sit in my new space, and look around, i am really proud of myself for caring again. when matt cared in miami- i didnt get it. i was still operating from a place of deep wounding and trauma. I couldnt see how it mattered what we had for decorations, or why hanging out with and enjoying life mattered. i was in such a dark place. I now know that i am someone that can go realllllly dark – but also can be the creator and cultivator of sooo much light. I have been called sunshine in human form multiple times. Inna from highland yoga this week was like “Are you doing better? i miss you” even though she sees me weekly- because of my mental health struggles. I think i am learning how to hold space for all of me. all parts of me. i used to want matt to fix the dark parts. i blamed him for them existing. now i see that its a part of ME and my responsibility. my emotional reactions and responses are my own to hold and fix, no matter what or who caused them. I am just now at 29 starting to take that into consideration and starting to see how i need to structure myself. how to rely on me. how to create my own happiness. I have no doubt that in time i will find a person to creeate a beautiful life with if matt does not decide to step into his own power and be the man i know hes capable of being. I know hes afraid. it makes sense. i would be too. but theres also ownership to be had on his end as well. i think its all about the balance. and at this point? the control is out of my hands. i am now offiicially taking a backseat on that front. instead i am bringing the focus into my life in what i want to create. My nervous system healing is also paramount. i am steering my energy and focus to the upcoming events:

  • austin trip with mallory and ellie
  • visit to denver to see jordan
  • NEPAL trek!!! with europe crew
  • coming up on 6 months as an integrative NP
  • a puppy???? this one is up for debate as i will leave my position in about 6-9 months, and i need to determine how realisitic a pup is for me rn.

    other important things to note:
    • i am dead set on healing this damn shin. I went for a long run in miami in june and it has not healed since. i finally got imaging and its impacting the bone. i can barely walk without pain right now. I am about to go in a boot…. so my triathlons are cancelled. being in heartbreak, hurt anger and shock w matt as well as not having a physical movement outlet is actual torture…. but i gotta find a new outlet. working on it. i am not going to get stuck in a victim mindset here but instead look at it as a challenge to release control and trust trust trust that i can change my life.

    • i think sometimes the universe brings us the most challenging things to overcome to show us that we CREATE the life we want to live. i heard and read that a ton in my repair attempt with matt- but i dont think i internalized or started living it until now. i see that i am in heartbreak- without movement as an outlet- in a city i havent wanted to be in – in a job that is no longer my drream – and i am actually finding a ton of positives lately- so much to look forward to. i am seeing the light and love that exists around me even in the darkest times/places. its truly beautiful. I was stuck in a victim based mindset last year alllll year. sophie called it out last may but i was unable to see it. i was not ready. we have to get there as we are ready. i am ready to create a freakin beautiful life. it feels like just the beginning

      SSRIs …. why did i not go on these and take a theraputic dose YEARS ago lol. my parents are both on them…. i was so stubborn. game changers. i finally felt them kick in this week. my therapist is phenomenal. my mental health is my responsibility. it feels so good to say that. it also sucks that i was rejected and abandoned when my mental health was at its lowest. i think had it not happened though, that i never would have taken myself into my own hands. there is beauty and growth in that itself. life is. looking pretty good 🙂

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