Today, i was more grounded and centered at work. My mind still raced, ruminated and worried- but i had more inner peace than i have in the last two months. My heart starting to make sense of and wrap itself around the current circumstances that i have no control or say over. In the grand scheme, I am glad that things are unraveling as they are– because had i not stepped away, matt was bound to explode or crack in another way. This is likely exactly what he needed- as well as I, to determine the playing cards and how we want to navigate moving forward. His stance on feeling like he has no control or playing the victim is very frustrating to me- as I feel as though loyalty is a choice. moving on is a choice. hitting on and persuing others– also a choice. Working to forgive, trust and open up to someone you love– also a choice. He plays the helpelss card- and i cant handle that shit. I also understand. I know who i was to him for the last two years. I get why he doesnt trust that i will do my work. i Only went downhill the last few years. theres a lot of pain and heartache there. I feel guilt that i listened to everyone but him along the way. I do see a life partner in him- but i cannot lead him. parent him . control him. none of it. non attachment- i can only love him.
I see a life with him. I think we could build an amazing life together, and really find a groove where both of us are happy and fulfilled. The depth, fun , connection and chemistry runs DEEP. I also find myself somewhat enjoying my own company as of late. I am not intent on finding a partner- though somehow I feel like i am being hit on a lot since i started stepping more into my power. Neighbors on both sides have showed interest- but i trust that ill know when it someone worth pursuing. I have to full body feel it- like i did in europe. Sometimes when i think of him i feel chills throughout my entire body. It was infatuation, love, lust , all so quickly. the more i got to know him – the further i fell. He loves hard, too. he is still not over his ex a year later- and has struggled to move forward. he spent 4 months deeply depressed after they broke up . I relate. people that feel deeply, i tend to relate to more easily. I think i fear things not meaning as much to those that don’t. I sometimes wonder if i should wait to find that in another. or do i just take what i see/ find and somehow become happy in that? it’s what i did w matt in college- right?! its so crazy how we meet someone and just build an entire life with and around them- everything involved. its a huge commitment and determines our lives. i need to be super clear what i want. i am getting there. honesty, radical transparency, ADVENTURE, emotional intelligence, FUN, humor, athleticism, open mindnedness, sure of themselves- actually a man. those are the qualities i think mostly of when i think about a life partner. I want to create and build a life i am proud of. I know that i will. it does not start and end wih my office job- i want to dream bigger, expand further, really create something that is authentic to me. I don’t just want to draw inside the lines. I want to expand — because i know how passionate i am. how smart i am. how capable. i am meant for more. emotionally, spiritualy, mentally- than a 9-5 NP job in an office. i also see the hill i need to climb to ensure i never get so dark again. I hope i never traumatize anyones nervous system like i did to matt. I feel horrible. I need to start to reconnec to my passions– back to the drawing board for me. I want to build an extraordinary life. I want to find community that makes me feel alive. I just booked a 10 day trekking trip in Nepal with my french friends and i am PUMPED.
I am turning a leaf in that i KNOW everything will be ok. I need to let go. stop the controlling, bring in more trust and cultivate the beautiful life i know i am meant to lead and live. xx