Control

This morning as I woke up, I felt another large wave of grief wash over me. My limbs- so heavy. My heart heavier. At least the way my body and heart feel let me know that I know how to love someone, hard. My entire body feels like its being leeched of blood and energy. My chest tight, stomach flipping non stop. Thoughts – still going. I wake many times in the middle of the night with thoughts, – they happen all day, and i wake up mind running like crazy. Yesterday, I dragged myself to paulas bridal fitting and then to lunch. I was desolate, empty and completely flat. I kept apologizing for my lack of presence and for crying every 5 minutes. I feel so disconnected, numb. Nothing touches me. I cant laugh. I am withdrawn, and want to spend my time completely alone in my bed. Sleeping feels easier than living right now. Its not the same as 2018 . not even close. its much heavier. much darker for me this time. My mind drifted to the way i have been chronically treated in this partnership- allllll the way back to things with mom in college. eleanor, lying, pleasing, running. other people constantly, filling the void. the “good guy” act- constantly doing acts of service for others, flirting or getting others to like him- the needing to be liked by everyone, yet treating people closest to him like they are disposable. I felt a wave of disgust wash over me. Regret. No wonder i feel so shitty inside. I started to wonder if he organically ever showed up for me from an authentic place, or if it was always half energy spent elsewhere. as if committing and investing in 1 person was too much. too intimate. I started reflecting on my control as well. my need to step in– why i became SO controlling. clearly, it came from lack of trust. It came from years of hurt, pain, lying, grey. Why am i so difficult to be a full yes to ? the answer? im not. I don’t think it is me at all, actually. I was a really attentive and loving partner for many years to him. I regret deeply how i treated him the last 1.5 – 2 years and where my mental health went – but he should be able to look at me as a whole. Reflect and love me as family by this point. To abandon fully in a matter of 9 weeks? to say “stay here , you are perfect. start a family with me” only to within a matter of 9 weeks be completely “closed off” to me… its actually remarkable. It demonstrates detachment and almost dissociative behavior. A wall? what a load. honestly- moving on is a CHOICE. you CHOOSE to move on. it doesnt just happen one day. its making actionable change based on desire. He has “given up” on this 2 times before with the infidelities. Seems like all it took was a few short weeks, and he has given up again. I don’t want to believe that after the work, love, dedication and bond that exists. I want to believe that it is a temporary lapse in judgement on his end. Because love is showing up anyway, and advocating for your needs. He did not advocate for himself very much or push me – but that is likely due to the shame he felt for what he did.

He acts like I am “objectively” a good option… after 10 years. 9 weeks goes by and thats a shift? again– its an intentional choice to throw yourself at other women, entertain interactions, decide actively to step away rather than lean in and love and show up. to give me a chance to heal and be in my dark place, similar to how i supported him in his. It is difficult, disappointing, and extremely hurtful. I feel completely abandoned by my family and best friend. Can i say i am suprised though? i really thought he had changed.. but the sketchy behaviors return. I guess that goes to show what is external v internal change. I wholeheartedly believe that people grow and transform, constantly into better and new versions of themselves, but i think because i dragged him by the hair through his growth, a ton of it fell. i am actually appalled at what is happening, his lying again, the lack of consistency in actions, words, and what i saw.

The way he chose to approach me was atrocious too. A phone call that i initiated? and then a single call he initiated on new years eve after a run? to what- start the new year off choosing not me? who fucking knows. All i know is if those roles were reversed, i would have flown down there and made it a weekend to discuss my emotions, where I am at and why it was ending and what happened. Not so i could have permission to make a fool of myself and throw myself at any and everyone. I would give him all the room he needed to ask questions, cry, love on me, and whatever else he needed. because that is respect. that is love. I feel like i was treated so poorly. This entire situation has me completely frozen. I am in utter disbelief.

I have a lot of remorse and guilt for how i acted in the last year too, though. When i think about it in isolation i feel absolutely horrible. Yet- when i look at it in context? i understand how and why i got that way. I committed myself to creating a life with matt. Yet, he consistently said things and acted differently. pleased, lied, with lots of inconsistency. I never felt truly and deeply prioritized. Whole heartedly chosen. Nor did he advocate for himself or allow for fighting fair. It was like i was left to read him to pick up on his needs, understand his behaviors and emotions – and if i messed up? was treated so poorly. He would sleep with others, entertain others, or build resentment within the relationship and fail to communicate how he would be happy and want to stay in this. Instead, he asked me early in 2019 to talk about the infidelity less- but i was too much in a trauma response to oblige. I regret that immensley. again , i just dont think its too late by any means. I think giving up is a choice.

I started thinking about how seamless it was for matt to choose to move forward. He acted like “I cant help how i feel right now”. but the truth is- you are right you cannot control emotions, yet you can control actions, and how you choose to navigate or work on them. Did he think i was open to him in 2018?!?! The way he handled talking to me on the 21st of December- He clearly had not thought his feelings through. He sent me something he wrote 2 months prior that suggested a future with me. The way he treated me the next day- and Then the silence that followed between our next call when i reached out on Christmas. he said “ive been thinking about it” How does someone go from loving someone “fully” or “90% will come back together” to that level of distance and cold? He was rude and distant on the call at christmas. I had to continue to initiate to talk. How was he ok with “just continuing what we are doing” aka just silence and being done? This was a break/breakup with a check in at 3 months to determine next steps. We both went into it thinking we would change the dynamics and come back- which i wholeheartedly did. He even wrote an email mid oct saying he is excited to see what habits he can form and he loves me and will talk to me soon. in a matter of 8 weeks that shifted to “lets just not talk. i have never fully chosen you. im too scared too now. we arent a good fit. im not sure what i want. im scared of you. lets continue what we are doing- not talking.. i only see you as a friend. i dont trust you- how did you do this? “.. its SHELL shocking. I am left just completely in shock. Yet — i shouldn’t be. this is someone who has continuously shown behavior like this. This time? there was no cheating– but the actions? same damn thing. disconnected from emotions, not speaking up, not advocating, not working with me. tons of taking when its beneficial to him, yet leaving me in the cold when i am struggling- he waited for me to take space as i was drowning, falsley reassured me, and then turned around and blindsighted me- just done. is that really what i want though? after 10 years? to be able to act like that? and he turns around and surrounds himself with flirtation and girls while pretending to still respect me- its actually unreal. be a damn adult and tell the truth – that you cant help but throw yourself at women constantly, and it has always been an issue. probably always will be. whoever he ends up with needs to be warned. its not gonna changed based on who hes with. its within him. this — i am sure of this time. looks innocent but the damage he can do is profound. i find it through data, in the messages, from truda. he knows the right things to say- the lingo , how to appease and people please but below it? i know the truth.

I am in denial. i keep replaying the events in my head again and again. He would say “i feel disconnected from myself right now but i dont want to go back to this relationship”. And i am thinking- yea of course you are disconnected from yourself. this makes no sense. at least- with what words you have been saying to me. maybe not underneath. who ACTUALLY knows. But it makes it difficult on me. I want to establish a healthy baseline where theres good communication and flow on both sides, as well as to start to have fun again- but he is so avoidant of emotions and feelings that i am not sure i will ever be able to trust what he is saying and doing. He seemed open to trying this again with me in the future- and said “if we do this again ,we are doing it for real” when i caught him on a run in mid January. The things he says are all over the board. It is evident he is unsure what he wants. But the way he is communicating it is so hurtful. Its like a wall is there when we talk. He is constantly one to fill the void of emotions and distract himself. run, hang with friends, probably talking to way too many girls. i remember in college his main support system was women. the attention was what he craved consistently and constantly. I really thought that had changed, but not from what i have seen. I also realize i talk about him too much. what he feels or must think , or what he is doing. again- i do that because i have been trying to save this partnership and re establish something beautiful for so long i dont know how to think for myself anymore. If i listen to the recordings ( which kate had me delete friday night) the version of him that existed on MDMA forward was actually really beautiful. what he was saying and doing. i want that. maybe i just hurt him too badly- maybe it was a front. who actually knows. I say I talk about him too much because this is no longer about him. He has fully rejected me, and made it evident he does not want me in his life anymore. that is his CHOICE- and he did it in an extremely disrespectful way, too. hes not responding to me in a loving and caring way, or stating his needs with love and guidance. instead its pure chaos- why am i not surprised. He says he doesnt know if he can see me as the mom of his children when literally a few months ago he delievered a baby for a couple and was like ” i imagined it was similar or could see us doing that”… which one is it dude. I am grieving like hell. and i will continue to. this is not going to be a few short weeks for me- this will likely be a year or more. But being treated this way? hopefully will make the process of grieving a little bit easier. I remember i said “i am scared this is the last time we will talk with this much love and openness to each toher” and he said “i really doubt that”. right before we took the break/breakup. Its just a lot of reassurances that are not often followed through. how can i love someone so much that is so unreliable? have the best time with and trust in so many ways- yet also know they people please and constantly lie? is the answer in discarding people? or is it in accepting all of them for who they are and choosing to love them anyway? I am really not sure. all i know is i have to start to focus my attention on ME. my emotions. what I NEED. what I feel. what I think. because I have spent 3+ years on him- and look whatsa happened. I have got to get back in my lane.

Saturday i felt the most alive when i was out on melanies balcony after she cooked me breakfast. she was like ” you are wasting away, come eat”. I have easily dropped 10lbs. the sun was beaming. i took my shirt off and closed my eyes. I feel so alone for the first time in 10 years. its so difficult for me to navigate. They always say breaksups are an area of opportunity for growth and transformation – but this does not feel like a breakup. this feels like grief of a lifetime over a family member i am still in my heart and body intent on growing old with. this feels like a loss that is so much bigger than i know how to navigate. As i referenced above– huge, huge mountain ahead. I don’t know how to move forward or how to feel good about it. moving forward feels like i am betraying us. but he constantly is able to betray us without any difficulty. shit, in his mind there is no more “us”. he acts like its so distant,. on the phone he said “there are still some of your clothes in the poof” as if that was so long ago. I am like HELLO That was a few weeks ago and we talked about me moving back in WTF are you talking about? the way he distances himself and moves on scares the living crap out of me. its the same part of him that was able to cheat. Somewhere deep down, i should have known this may happen. I just didn’t want to believe it based on what he was saying to me day in and out over the summer into the fall. it feels like such whiplash.

Now, again re- shifting focus on me. ido it in writing where i prioritize him, you can only imagine what it does in my mind, lol. I am determined to move my body tonight. even if its just for 30 minutes. its been WEEKS since i have. I will also not tolerate being treated this way anymore. its not ok. I have got to set a boundary of sorts, too. I have to start choosing self love and self preservation because at this point why wait and fight? I am the only one there. a single man battle. its a waste of life. The apt complex i live in is really more like a dorm- so i am making friends easily. It was so healthy for me to move. I am a walking ghost most days, but having community there is key. I am still in complete shock- so my neighbors probably think my personality sucks lol. except the guys down the hall, lol. As i become and transform ,i anticipate just growing more and more into the person i am meant to be- and will build a community. i only moved after matt rejected me. there was a part of me that thought id break my contract and move back down to miami after the space. it wasnt a full commitment on my end. But like i said, if hes this hell bend and sure in 8 weeks? who am i to argue. who am i to fight it or hope for a diff outcome. its telling as fuck. I hope that clarity comes and smacks him across the face or in the gut in the coming weeks- months. but who really knows. All i know is my life, my days, are being wasted while i wait for that to happen. I need to enjoy my life without him in it, as horribly as it hurts. as much as it absolutely destroys my insides. because waiting around for someone to choose you back is absolutely unacceptable – especially after the work we have done and the depth to which he knows me and us. how intimately we can relate. its truly remarkable. I feel so much better having typed this out. its like a purge. it makes sense i am in such a horrible place of shock, pain, heartbreak, confusion. i on the other hand will not be taking a few short weeks and then jumping on guys left and right. I will be grieving the fucking life out of this, taking my time, slowly but surely re establishing sense of self and trust, and one day at a time – working with therapists, and finding my way back to sav. I learned to fight like hell for your family no matter what at a young age, which explains why i have reacted and responded to matt the way i have. but i cannot do this anymore- its destroying me more than it already has. I cannot go back to what destroyed me to heal. I must heal on my own and show myself i can, no matter how long it takes. literally putting my next foot forward. this is NOT going to be an easy process for me- because i actually heart and soul committed the rest of my life to our partnership. of course its going to feel like this. of course it will be this difficult. its the hardest thing i will ever do. its tough to approach the hardest climb or event of your life when your gas tank is already on empty and you already feel so depleted. such little stamina. how to even start.

Melanie used external motivation to help her after her divorce. to be a good sister , daughter, friend. That works less well for me- for me i know it has to come from within. a choice to stop living in chaos. to stop letting him control ME and MY heart. we act like I am the one that is controlling, and externally that is true, but internally he has controlled and abused my nervous system for a decade- and i have allowed it. I have got to take my power back into my own hands. reground, find little savvy. love her, give her stillness. I am already starting with my new place. I am working on the unpacking and decorating. melanie was laughing at how i can even live there without it unpacked. I tried to explain – i live in chaos. i know no differently. eat standing up. nervous system never at rest. and she looked at me “when are you going to choose to heal yourself?”. I stared back. I am working on it right now. somehow. at the blank canvas ahead of me. i have to find a way to energetically and intentionally choose myself. because staying in hell is hurting so bad. I want to fully decorate and settle in this new space. a puppy on the horizon. my TMB crew from europe is planning a trip to nepal and i will request PTO. I am trying to put things on my calendar to look forward to. I need to rehab this shin,because inability to run during this time has been so difficult for me mentally. I am going to get out of bed .. one day soon. one day, one emotion, one moment at a time. I need stillness, calm for my nervous system. fuck the attachment, fuck disrespect, fuck the chaos. I am already learning so much about myself as i move through these emotions and this process. I am going to write a book. its going to be called “i want this to work”. I am going to travel for a few months next year. i am going to live again. live in love with myself and my life that i get to create. maybe i wont get to create a life with matt like i hoped, but i still get to create a life i love. from the moment i wake every single day. I filled my parents in tonight with. details about the level of crazy i got and told them my attachment and abanondment issues thanks to them and they were dying laughing.dad at the end ” so will you move to miami at the end of the year?” and i was like dad have you not listened to a damn word i have said? and he started laughing. that man never fails to try and push my buttons. i am super grateful for them. their health. this year in atlanta to be near them and spend time with them while i still can. NOTHING lasts forever. this i have learnd this year. holding the people we love tight and loving them hard. every second. thats a lesson that is being drilled in more than ever. forgive quicker, love harder- its all there.

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