You hear it all the time – never give so much that it costs yourself. “fasten your mask first” – or a number of otherwise lame phrases along those lines. Unfortunately, I am someone that learns in life through active mistakes. I have always been this way. the rules don’t apply until I fuck up. stubborn? absolutely. I can only retrospectively look back with a clear mind most of the time. I have been at my absolute lowest low of my entire life since december 21st when matt and i touched base. All of it- was complete dysfunction, dysregulated, chaos. still crying every day. i am disengaged. lacking presence. not eating. i move into week 8 like this.
after the infidelity came out – I signed up for YTT, took tons of trips, filled up my cup. I was devastated as all get out- but i had a ton of LIFE inside of me. I was hurt as hell, scared beyond words , called off a wedding ALONE (goodbye down payment of 16k solo)- but I was actually somewhat grounded in myself. Savannah Young was- in fact, still savannah young. I was still in integrity with myself, knew who the fuck i was, I trusted myself- I was honest, clear, and a solid decision maker. I hardly doubted myself. there had been 3 years of emotional abuse going on behind the scenes with the cheating, but i was unaware. I was in a healthy enough place when it all came crashing down on me. I acted with grace.
Today I was thinking about WHY I am so destroyed with his rejection. How did i become someone who cannot for the life of me get out of bed? doesnt eat, stops working out… that is NOT me. pre 2021 this was not me. Constant rumination, lack of presence… its the unhealthiest i have ever been. Why i cant pick myself up or be the strong woman I always have been? how come after the infidelity i was doing okay? whats different this time? .. and then it hit me while i was on the phone with jordan this evening.
This time? i am no longer myself at all. I am extremely out of integrity. I do not trust myself in the slightest anymore when it comes to most things. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror at all. while at my lowest of lows, abandoned. Why? whats different this time? the answer lies in that I spent 3 full years giving my insides away, and got completely sucked dry. Matt said things like ” maybe i am a sociopath” or “maybe i am a narcisissit” “i’m not sure, I might have slept with one of your friends”…. and I was solid enough in who i was to breathe through those lines at the time- or so i thought. I was not aware of how the wishy -washy words and lack of HIS sense of self would cause me to turn into a teacher and a parent. I wanted to be with the person i loved- I made every day about gathering and downloading information, trying to help him. Teach him. show him. I led him through YEARS. The person he is today? thank savannah young who was still solid in herself 2018-2020. Every twist, turn, fork- he had no idea what he was doing. He was still acting out of integrity for a lot of it, I became hypervigilant. how manipulative and fucked up so much of it was. the lack of drive. words. answers. effort. As the months passed, no discussion of the future occurred. no re-proposal. no affirmations that i was what he wanted. nothing. just avoidance. the in love in my heart was strong and deep. I persisted. I look back now and want to shake myself. He was clearly showing me through actions he was not dedicated. but when i would pressure or ask? just blind re-assurance on his end.
somewhere along the line, in jan/feb of 2021- it hit me. I was starting to lose myself. I was feeling so anxious, every single day. the rumination switched from the cheating to needing to leave. I kept feeling like leaving was the only way, because i was giving myself away. I was pouring pouring pouring from an empty cup. As i poured, he took the liquid and let it seep into his blood stream. obtained all the growth, lessons, thoughts that i drove. In the meantime- i was getting sicker and sicker. i got pretty damn low in the summer in miami. I was so desperate to find more life inside of me. to re establish connection and health. I found a job in atlanta that used to be my dream. job- the problem. was… i didn’t know what the hell my dreams were anymore. I had lost them trying to teach and grow my partner in the last 2.5 years. i felt so lost. I had been acting out of integrity all year. I didn’t trust up from down. its almost like, he and i were switching places. He was growing itno a more confident, strong, “knowing himself” version- and i was wasting the fuck away. yet i persisted. I recognized this after europe. – when i saw what truly filling my cup could do – and i initated space/ 3 months of a breakup.
why does his rejection and denial after 9 weeks absolutely crush my soul? its because on some level, I feel like we traded places in the last 3 years. somehow– he is more sure of himself, and ready to go. He has legitimately taken the growth i led- and now wants to use it to be with someone else. This version of me? the one that self sacrificed? he wants no part of. he even said the words “now i am the most ready to get engaged i have ever been- im just not open to you”. i wanted to scream and throw my phone. FUCK you. FUCK you. I was not dysregulated and sick like this 3 years ago. Now that you are healthy you are choosing to abandon me, when you wre the unhealthy one i stuck by your damn side. The amount of self worth I feel is in the negatives when he responds like that. he completely turned on me, and is throwing my biggest insecurity in my face. The thing i have needed and wanted from him for security this entire time, flaunting it and throwing it in my face when I am at my lowest of lows. almost as if to show. ” look i grew and now i am going to reject you and take all t he lessons you taught me and sacrificed to create a great life without you in it because i dont want you anymore”. The pain is insurmountable. I am at my worst, because I chose us. I should have chosen myself. I also realize this paragraph is very victim mindset based, and that is exactly what i need to shift out of– i am starting to take responsibility for myself. i cannot just continue to blame him. i CHOSE to stand there. hes choosing not to. its forcing me to take my own accountability as i step into my life.
but heres the thing- the only person I can blame is myself. I chose to self sacrifice- i NEVER thought he would betray again. I thought i was sacrificing for our future and life together. I feel tricked. it feels almost malicious. now- its convenient for him to choose himself, not engage in the “Difficulty” or “turmoil”. dude- ya coulda done that 3 years ago… and just let me fucking be. It is difficult for me to even put into words- but heres what i do know: that is not someone you want to marry. Instead, tell me that you feeel like i need to work on myself and you feel confused. use your words, talk to me.
I would argue that i was too self sacrificing along the way. The way I handled it was poor- but i stood by the person i loved, even when i didnt feel “in love”. even when i was betrayed. even when i was resentful. i was there, and willing. On his side? the moment he doesnt feel it anymore- i am straight rejected in a series of phone conversations when I am at my lowest. He was rude to me, saying things like ” well. obviously i never chose this because i cheated” after swearing the last 3 years he did love me the fullest he could and he was so sure he wanted this. When i asked why he didnt fully choose me he admitted to not- and then proceeded to say its because he is afraid of me. Then followed it up with 20 other reasons that feel like a load of shit.
At the end of the day? I realize that i am so beaten down, and he sucked all the juice in me – out. Though it was 100% voluntary on my end. and now i am left completely alone to pick up myself, my life, and figure out who the hell I am anymore- because i lost myself in this process. I have NO idea how to get back into my personality, to re-align with HONESTY and integrity. I have consistently been letting myself down in these areas, which is nothing like me. I told him that i am open and my wall is down- and that my line is open to him. That was true even yesterday , but after these realizations today- I am already beginning to feel an internal shift. the way he has consistently treated me? not being willing to work with me as i change my behavior? completely shutting me out and moving on in a matter of 9 weeks? throwing the engagement readiness in my face? its all just so much hurt. I cannot believe the negative, insane hurt, person i have become in this process. Its a process of hurt people hurting people. I am ready to transform- and that’s the beauty in life. we can change, transform, re-do at any moment. I can continue to grow. not only re find the person i was, but re emerge stronger, with more of a sense of self, direction , drive- and know this time? how to take no fucking shit. because i will never, give myself away and lose myself at the expense of another again- Even if i truly did get to the point of forgiveness in the end.