I feel the tsunami waves washing over me. Grief hits me from every angle throughout my days. I am in complete and utter denial. I am sitting at work, up at johns creek before my drive home. I had plans tonight with a group of friends, but I am shaky, unable to focus, and feeling absolutely gutted from the inside out. I cancelled a few hours ago. I am siting at work alone in the building, finished my last phone follow up. I am sitting in the grief and fear of potential loss of my best friend, family member, and the love of my life. I keep replaying messages, interactions, and places where I could have met him. Could have showed up and established a new happy life. Literally thousands of memories and connection based moments play though my mind like a movie screen and i just met him in silence and resentment. I want to yell at myself through the metaphorical screen- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! hes putting out a hand fucking MEET him. F you sav!! I left him out in the cold. I did not show up to take his hand, or be his team mate- i was too resentful to lean in and give him a real second shot. Instead, resistance and resentment built. I feel so much guilt, shame, self frustration. I feel like its my fault. so much Anger. I want to fix it. I am ready to now. I was in SO much trauma. I was emotionally dumping and lashing out. throwing tantrums every day. I slowly stripped us BOTH away from the amazing people that we are inside. What he did hurt me to my core. my nervous system has STILL not healed from it, so of course i showed up that way- and i somehow need to find grace for myself, even though right now it feels absolutely impossible. I didn’t know what else to do. Somewhere, deep down i knew i wanted to be with him. Some days, I tell myself he deep down knows he wants to be with me– too. I just have to be patient and do my best to work on myself in the meantime. So much easier said than done- especially for someone that looks for predictability and control for safety. I am not okay. I want this to work. I know it CAN work. before i was too scared. Now i am not – and its not just because i have deep fear of loss.Its because i can finally see my own demons, shadows and WHY it wasn’t working from my side.
I want to jump in and be the “do-er”. Fix it. hop on the next flight. do anything and everything in my power to help or stop or understand. But I don’t have those choices right now. I asked for forgiveness last night, and I am not sure it even touched him. he seemed slightly disengaged on the call. Maybe because it was late, maybe pre occupied- I really dont know. It hurts that it doesnt bother him not to talk to me. My therapist told me to ask him for forgiveness directly. Then to directly ask him to work on it with me and try to re establish trust and chemistry. The second part I did not do, I felt too scared. I did ask if he still felt the fire for me and he said yes but that he was afraid it would burn him. I get it. I really do. but i will not burn him- or anyone- ever again. I learn from my mistakes. That i know.
He says he can forgive, but that his body does not want to open up. I understand that, i have been there. I still loved him so deeply though – I wanted to try. I get how he would feel the resentment and the block – in combination of looking at my choices in recent months and not wanting to make the decision to work on this or connect with me. I also think my nervous system activation since the infidelity trauma has not healed- so he senses that and can feel that he should not fully trust it.
how to get a grip on myself though…. lets see: I have not worked out in almost 2 weeks…. sleeping 10+ hours almost every night- or at least laying in bed. I am barely able to get through my days. Its less traumatic than the infidelity but MUCH more painful. Because this is actual loss. utter and pure rejection- from the love of my life. My biggest fear in healing from the infidelity trauma was that deep down he didn’t want me- and now… that fear is coming to life. BIGGEST knife through my heart. The infidelity was trauma — this is less trauma and just straight up heart through the meat grinder over and over and over. I am losing the person i love the most. My person, family and best friend. I am keeping a glimmer of hope- because i know how deeply we love each other and both give so many shits. I think his wall is up, hes hurt, and is navigating his emotions without me. but its SO hard to wait for your best friend and person to choose you back. I imagine he must have felt this way for the last year when i was 1 foot out. What i wouldn’t kill for another MDMA session right now- to at least somewhat drop that wall and get into the fire of connection. Rejection when someone knows you to your core – the most you that you can possibly be? and still not want you? especailly when you are in a dark spot- it is so painful.
complete silence takes its place instead. I am met with the metaphorical wall he talks about. I feel like i am supposed to be in miami, in that house, living there. I am like “WTF AM I DOING?!”. I want to yell, scream, punch something– do any and everything i can to fix it. to show up. to make the outcome different. I feel excluded from my own life. Like i can watch the movie of the life I could be living on instagram stories of co- residents. Punished for what i was unable to do. I know- that he knows deep down who I really am, its just been awhile since he- or really anyone else has seen it. I have been a shell, and I DO need to work on myself. I am confident that I could do it along side of him, but I don’t have that option. Its a matter of trusting in me- trusting that i will change, and dedicate myself to it- which I am already working towards. I know the person I am going to be on the other side of this is absolutely beautiful. that i have no doubts about. but the mountain ahead of me to get there feels insurmountable. He used to say the mountain to get through infidelity felt like that. well guess what ? mountain climbed. lol – i really hope my mountain does not take another 3 years, but even if it does- i WILL get there.
I am also in deep radical acceptance of actually tending to what matt needs for the first time. Its been the sav show for 3 years. I did not lean in and meet him when i had the chance. I COULDN’T though. my nervous system couldn’t. I kept doing his work, draggin, pulling pushing. i was not taking care of myself. I sit in my emotions too much- i wish i could be more avoidant, present, go with the flow and just adapt. It holds me back from living a life full of enrichment and trust. I used to be more easily able to do it. I think combination gastroparesis and infidelity beat me up in that way. I do feel completely alone. I know its easy to build community, immerse myself in interests (which i have a ton of) but when i feel like this- i have no desire. All i want is to fix. change. but as i sit in the rejection- i know it will make me stronger. I will never tolerate being treated like this again. Someone who doesn’t know how to take accountability? no thanks, i will not be your parent. i really have learned- at least that much. I did it because i thought for sure we would be together. Its not that i dont think it was worth it- because i do love and care for him deeply and want him to have those lessons/ payoff from what transpired- but it just kills me.
I want a new and happy life with him in it- I feel so tricked. Messages from September saying ” i know we will end up together” and ” dont make me talk to other women” and ” we gotta change this dynamic, 90% sure we will be together.” I dont hold any of it against him- because its ok that feelings change and its obvious if in 9 weeks they changed this substantially this needed to happen or should have maybe a long time ago–. its not me that is out of touch with my emotions. That one has never been my battle to fight.
I DO have to start planning for a life or road that does not consider him in it- just incase. I cant have my heart broken over and over again by the same person. I am a planner and a lover and a dreamer and give all of myself to those i love. Usually not as shadow-y and dark as i did in my last chapter w matt, but nonetheless- so i tend to get my heart broken. a decade is more than a third of my life– this is literally a limb being amputated without my consent.
I still want this to work. I see my mistakes. I see where I need to grow. I need to learn how to breathe and trust in myself through rejection and abandonment, how to heal from trauma. Savvy, we got a longgggg road ahead of us. buckle up. looks like its just me and meows along for the ride, at least as we start the journey.