have you ever told yourself “ill be different next time?” only to fall straight flat on your face immediately?
that was me, last night.
i was in an old trauma activation pattern… where i am 6 years old and the psychologist is telling me my dad is going to die soon. i ask her if i will see him again and she replies that she is not sure but its not likely.
it happened last night. it was different because he is at his wits end with me, is hurt, has a fat wall of self protection up and is deeply uncertain about a second chance. i get it. i would be too- shit, WAS that. but in my head.. regardless of the situation- snap. i am 6 and my nervous system comes out. i am losing my dad and i want to do any and everything i can to save. i turn into a fucking scary person… oof. can we talk about shame, frustration, and self sabotage?
the amount i want to go back and repeat the hours of 9-10 pm last night simply cannot be put into words. i was harping on it all morning into the afternoon in a complete shame spiral. until i stopped. because i am present. and this is now. i dont want to continue to live out old patterns. and then harp on them and go over them again and again. thats what i am BREAKING. so – instead, im going to talk about my day, and imagine a future of connection, love, and good things.
i am working at johns creek on mondays and fridays now- which is further away, but i like it a lot better. the rooms are huge, the office space is so big, and theres little to no management around, lol. they sent me a huge bouquet for being so open and flexible with my schedule, and the entire office room smelled like a florist, lol. my patients today ranged from new patients with post viral/ long haul covid syndrome to lyme disease to your basic run of the mill pcp appt. i did have a complicated telehealth at the end of the day. i was doing research on her case when i realized i should probbbably hold myself accountable and blog.
i am not in the headspace to be super social- b.o.b lives in my building, and last night was having people over since he and his fiance are moving out- and i was going to go but the emotional turmoil is just too much for me to handle and operate like a normal person. so i tried to sleep and of course tossed and turned all night. tonight its me, meows, avocado toast and blogging/ maybe a movie. i think the book i write is going to be called “i want this to work”. overall i am feeling super lost and alone. i have people asking me to hang out a lot but i have no desire to. i just feel like I have no idea what comes next. sort of like a shade sliding down the front windshield and you want it to stop but slowly you are driving into the “dark”. thats sort of the best way to descibe my nervous system and insides right now. i am working with. a really great therapist, who i tell on myself to frequently. i also need to figure out a way to be more present without the help of a friend or partner, but just on my own in my day to day. i don’t want to be so serious all of the time. its exhausting.