I barely recognize myself -the last time my nervous system was this activated was the two weeks between finding out about infidelity and the aftermath of feeling rejected.
the feeling is in the whiplash – less the rejection- though that hurts immensely as well. i was encouraged – take the space told 100x over again we would change dynamics and return. i believed it. i worked on mine. I still am. I held ip my side. i always do. My loyalty is unmatched. , Tonight i read back- probably 30 messages encouraged it. so many promises. even the joke about a temporary room mate for when i move back in. becsuse that was the plan- even in my subconscious. i understand somehow something ”changed ” and it was complete and utter chaos. Suddenly closed off without any explanation- within a few short weeks. Avoidance- complete lack of deep decision- and now its an empty space. where ”i dont know“ lingers. usually i dont know means no- but in tbis case im really uncertain. where my nervous system cant come down. where i am completely and utterly lost and alone. i feel so abandoned, rejected, decieved. unvalued under-appreciated and unloved. Left to somehow be the person to reach out, coordinate and still care. it kills me.
i know that i did damage, too. everyone experiences pain differently. i didnt get a fair shot. i wanted to create build and try. i feel sad. More than that i feel completely gutted confused and alone. i am barely making it to work i spend 16hours a day in my bed. i had a psych apt today. i WILL get out of this space- somehow , some way, some day- but this is classic trauma.
this time the tools are there. why ? how? and where do i even begin.
Grief is coming over me in tsnuami waves i feel completely helpless. Completely drowning in whiplash confusion trauma and pain. i want to somehow shift back into empowerment. If this is what loss feels like, no wonder abandonment is my greatest fear.
I vow to never show up in shadow sides, to the very best of my ability. i would say i regret taking the space- but if this influence came on so quick ? This much change? Im glad i did. to see the real person standing there. i am also glad that i did for me- so i could see how hurtful i was too. how fucked up i can be- how my shadows overtook.
its all so much heavy emotions i am shutting down.i hate that im being so raw and honest in this post but sometimes life can throw a fuck ton of pain on a heart that stays open.