I have been thinking a lot in the last few days about giving, abundance, and how quickly our mindsets can shift when we are being supported in the ways we need. Every individual needs and feels support differently. It is never a one size fits all- but it is also imperative to understand how those in your inner circle need and receive support. Most importantly – to communicate that. I am a good communicator, but i struggle in the listening department. I get to practice my listening skills daily with my patients, – and i am currently using it as practice for when i am showing up and in conflict in my challenging relationships.
The last several weeks, my support system has kicked in like never before. From every area of my life, my people have SHOWN UP for me. I have been in the darkest of places- I have been navigating trauma, working to soothe my nervous system day in and out and heal and clean up my side of the street in all of my relationships that I have. I have wanted to sleep sleep sleep. my physical fatigue is off the charts. hellloooo too much accountability savvy, whats up girl?
Due to my shin splint since june I have not been able to run without pain (Also due to emotional pain – I have had little to no desire to be physically active). It has me turning to the people in my life and depending on them HEALTHILY like never before. in the past i depended on my partner in these moments but this time , I have been responsible for me. my emotions. I think i got that from my mom. I have been radically honest in what i am experiencing to those around me. My parents, my co workers, my new and old friends. I am not afraid of showing them who I am fully. I have been met with so much love and grace. I am also being challenged in what i say, proved wrong, told to get it together , as well as hugged, loved on and grocery shopped for. I see who triggers me and sends me into dark places, and the “toxic” DYNAMICS that come into play. Toxicity is not just 1 person- . unless its narcissism (the exception), but how two people relate to one another and the dynamic the two CREATE. It can be changed. It is hard to change. But its so possible when both parties mean it and are willing. In that space of shifting and willingness- new love, relationships and types of experiences can be born. I realize this is what i need with both of my parents, with kaitle, and in my relationship with julianna if she chooses to re-kindle our friendship. I am aware of my shadows for the first time more than ever. Reflection time as of late has allowed me to see my flaws clearly. I see where i get stuck. It all comes down to feeling chronically rejected and not “good enough”. It shrinks me. I turn controlling. I become shut down and hysterical. Even if deep down I know my worth (And I do), I turn to rumination and want to fix it. I realize just how totally and completely imperfect i really am. we all are. what i am learning right now- is that we are all human. we get to choose. to forgive. to trust. to love anyway. to see someone trying. to let them fuck up and be human. its really hard coming from a perfectionist- but seeing who i have been lately or i nthe last year gives me more space to forgive others.
I also realize that I am or have been stuck in a scarcity and fear based mindset. Trauma, rejection, hurt. I want to feel ALIVE again. Thats what i experienced in europe – I felt completely free and alive. unhindered by the chains and blocks and hurt and suffocation of the rest of my life. I want it to be the opposite. I never want to have to escape my real life again. I want to make it absolutely beautiful. And that starts with me. When I was in a healthier place mentally, before my major trauma – I would write often. Recommendations in health, supplements, recipes, training plans – you name it. I actually have a TON of abundance when I am in flow. When i am in a place of feeling loved and supported and strong within myself, i light up from the inside out.
I wish sometimes I was someone who could just step forward and turn a new leaf- blocking out my actions, the victim mindset, the hurt, the past – but that has never been me. I have to FEEL it. Turns out, I am a 4 on the enneagram when I did the full expensive one that we ordered through work for our provider retreat – who knew LOL. I was convinced i was a 1 for years. It all makes complete sense to me now. I read through my enneagram report and my jaw literally dropped. Of course i show up like this. I am such an intense person. My newest friend (who i am becoming closer to by the day) says that i am one of the most intesnse people she has ever met. that she LOVES my personality. Same with the guy from europe- said it was my personality (def was not the physical intimacy). I hear that, but sometimes I don’t believe it. I am convinced it was my personality with matt that made it to where he did not want to choose me, and I feel so rejected. At first i think ” i want to change, i can change” but then i realize- i don’t actually want to change who i am . I want to work on my shadows- be less anxious, manage my OCD, shift my mindset, never step into control or manipulation again, tell the truth, and re-open my heart. But i don’t want to change my intensity or drive- I think its what makes me a beautiful person in so many ways. Any one can “achieve” the same milestones as me- endurance sports, degrees, travel excursions, surface level social acceptance – but to think like i do? love like i do? give way too much of a shit like i do ? okay maybe holding the grudges like i do can go.. lol working on that one. But I have so much “meat” and authenticity to who I am. I don’t want to change those parts. I am being reminded by my support system how loved i am FOR my intensity, FOR my drive, FOR my incessant FIGHTER heart. but also being held accountable . how i have been unfair. All of me is welcome. All of me is worthy of love and to be met OPENLY.
I want to give more. Knowledge, self growth and learning is not just for the achievement or pat on the back, but to be shared. This is why i write on social media or instagram so raw- to help people feel less alone. To connect and share my story in life. To emit in the world with love. I always say I am not creative, but I think the space my creativity thrives is in fitness/ writing. I have been walking into the yoga studio and coming up with sequences on a whim- effortlessly- and complicated ones at that! same thing as i am personal training others. I feel myself giving and feeling so abundant in these spaces. I light up and become so alive. I want to give and give. TO help and shift. to transform someone else’s life in the way that fitness got me off the couch after surgeries, helped me transform my eating disorder to a much healthier place- (and i am STILL a work in progress) as well as how yoga kept me sane through my first job as a nurse and through the trauma of infidelity as my world crumbled and kept the spark in me alive.
There are so many areas in which i want to give that i havent even explored yet. I know i have so much untapped potential. I want to shift and become more of who i was put on this planet to become. To continue to trust in the unraveling and unfolding of my life. that the people who are meant to be on this journey with me, will choose me. will choose to walk along my side, or with me on this path with compassion and grace. I have learned I need to give more compassion and grace to others, as well as myself. I want to love just as hard, but forgive and open my heart harder. To whatever, whomever, wherever I go. Not just in romance but in every facet of my life. Everyone i touch. my peer relationships, business, and most importantly of all- how i talk to myself. That is the root of so much of this. self criticism and perfectionism. If me a few years ago saw the mental state i have been in and how rest i am giving myself her negative self talk would be through the roof. Today? i am sad about it, but i KNOW i am goign to be ok. nobody else needs to tell me that. and that is HUGE progress.