powerless: connecting to self.

In a crisis, I thrive. crisis is my middle name. I am most people’s go to person in deep crisis. I typically provide some combination of words of wisdom, with a side of humor and lots of love and encouragement. When I hit my crisis in 2018. – i took action. made swift moves, and worked my damn hardest to navigate it. to save things, to determine the underlying root or cause. and then i burned out. i gave too much of myself away in 2020 and just completely crashed. all my shadow sides came out in end of 2020- oct this year.

I still thrive in crisis- but i think i need to know where to put a stop to crisis. when it no longer is mine to hold. i cannot hold and fix and alter everyone around me- because i lose my spark. i lose all the things that make me , me. when i am in a trusting fun stable state. i cannot let shadow sides take over me ever again.

Right now? it is the first time in my life I feel like I am in a crisis that I have no control over. Nothing I can say, or do will give me any control. Thats the scary part about giving someone else your heart, fully. To love deeply and fully is the loss of control. With that- the opportunity for beauty exists, wholeness, healing, turning into one another and oneself, deep profound intimacy- but also crushing pain, betrayal- and the worst feeling of all, powerlessness. Beyond my surgeries as a kid, or waiting for my dads tumor to grow back, this is the first time in my life i feel truly that i have no control. I am gutted from the inside out. The only antidote to powerless is hope. To hope for things to turn around, or realizations to click. to hope for a different outcome. Hope for dust to settle. Hope that all the work we have done DOES provide for a beautiful new version, or yields connection. or to hope that in time, I will heal. but right now? the sitting and the waiting is the worst part. Every single day that passes, my heart feels like its being put through the meat shredder (grinder? idk ground beef heart parts is where its at). This is a deep lesson for me in nervous system regulation and control- as well as a time for consistent deep self reflection. a reassessment of what I want. How i want to show up, emit , love, and who i want to be in my life.

I have kept myself social and busy the last few days. sehr visited me , which made me feel super loved. She gets very few vacation days/weeks, and to be the recipient reminded me who i am and how i am seen through the eyes of people who know me and are along for the ride in my growth in life.

I am also trying to bring myself into the present- but with my wall down, memories flood in nonstop. I realize how badly i could have or may have hurt tylers. he doesnt speak up- i didn’t know. I was the one this time who did not have the tools. I am the one that feels so scared. i feel SO scared. im trying to connect with baby savvy inside and soothe her. To remind her that we can do hard things. that even if in this really shitty powerless situation, if the outcome leads to heart wrenching devestation and all of my worst nightmares coming true- we can and will rise. I am trying to mentally prep myself for worst case scenario- envision what i want for my life if its a no. where i could or would want to live. How to structure my future. This is the first time i have ever had to ask myself those questions because deep down for me, i have always planed my future with him in it- with the exception of the last year when i did not trust and had my fists up. I took a step half way out – to atl for a short term commitment to give me some time and space. I could feel deep down all along that he didnt know what he wanted. At points i felt like he was leaning more towards me and a new life with me, but i was weary and scared so i just kept my fists up, and i created more of a wedge. i dont want that anymore. i want to let it allllllll go. start from scratch and rebuild without resentment. in partnership the way it was? the resentment just kept building. I cannot ask 19532634634 questions to determine his inner world. I cannot navigate his thoughts. I will never build trust with him unless he is coming to me. we can work through them together- but i cannot be the navigator. again- this is my side of the street that i was not doing before. i was so occupied on him, his health and well -being. i gave so much of myself to him until there was no more sav in my body. thats why i feel so gutted. i gave up so much of myself and who i am. i missed me. i like me. i am FUN! turns out- also very sassy, and people like being around me. I also am craving connection and intimacy with matt. emotionally and sexually. I starved us for a long time. I still feel scared and dont trust bc i think he didnt know himself and still fully doesnt know what he wants- which scares me. leaves me so vulnerable.

outside of feeling so powerless–

a little on me – THE GOOD: I KNOW my strength. I KNOW my intelligence. I am pretty fucking awesome. i am making tons of progress in my career development, realizing that medicine is not for me . movement, healing, yoga, coaching – WAY more up my alley. I am building a personal training basis, and may have a conversation with elsie in the near future about opening a highland yoga somehwere else. i think I will step away from healthcare to dabble in and find a more aligned path for me. i absolutely love Highland yoga more every day and have been subbing way more classes.i have been embracing more of a “fuck it” attitude. I am obsessed with my new short term lease apartment and a gorgeous roof deck i can see the skyline out of. opening the door to that apt puts a HUGE smile on my face every time. the kitchen is absolutely gorgeous. the natural light is insane. my mood is so lifted the second i walk in there. i should have made that move YEARS ago, lol. The fire stove in the kitchen, the huge windows, the island- all of it. I feel loved by my friends. i have felt emotionally and mentally supported lately despite the fact that i am in a lot of fear. I am finding more laughter and connection with my friends, as well as have been socializing more with new friends. I feel my mom becoming more stable, a nd their house is looking really good. I am out of my grandpas apt. I love my therapist, and of course loving my coaching calls w sophie. i dance around to music alone in my apt daily. penny is the snuggliest of all times (she also has dandruff). i have been doing more breathwork to release trauma and i feel the release in my body. i feel the dynamics inside of me actually changing. i dont think that was happening from. oct- dec when i talked to matt. i think i “thought” i ended the relationship in october, but him actually showing up differently (though i wish he wasnt so cold to me and was willing to drop a wall to be vulnerable and connect) is what is putting a real death to the old. all the space has actually allowed for my resentment to burn off too- which gives us a real chance in my mind. ALL good things.

the bad: I am in atl in a job i dont want to be in. my mental health is riding this wave with matt, so my desire for physical movement is lower. they are moving my admin day to thursday (yuck). gi sx are flared since covid. i am in shame and guilt immensely for how i treated matt. i am trying to find forgiveness for who i was and how i showed up in t he last year, especially since july 2020. i. realize how damaging, hurtful and unfair i was. i also recovnize i dont want to dwell on the past anymore at all in any capacity, really. i actually want to let it all go. and lean in. start over in how i show up. whether or not thats w matt or another partner. i want to be PRESENT. and live from that space. live from my heart in an authetnic space.

I am trying to write often, 1 x a week is my goal, ground more, shift my perspective and hold myself accountable. I am also finding ways to compartmentalize with the OCD. So I can “turn off” my intensity or tone it down so i can enjoy life and have more fun between my deep intense thoughts. I am headed to elies highland class, and hanging w mel tonight, and meet her college friend. Bringing myself more into presence is a huge goal for me of 2022. 1 day at a time. 1% better ,every day.

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