A few nights ago, I had a coaching call with Sophie. Lately, we have been digging into my career, how to shift my mindset into a more positive state, and working on healing my nervous system trauma.

However, on this call we dug into relational work. I was reminded again how possible actually doing work is when two people actually want to do it. I realized how unwilling I was to do mine in the past. How i was approcing it completely wrong. how i was saying “doing the work ” but wasnt ACTUALLY doing any o fit myself. Where i was not taking accountability, where i didn’t trust it. Where i had HUGE walls up, and how unwilling i was to just be present and love and trust.

I named each of my emotions , and used the feelings wheel to find the emotions underneath that. Then, i chose the “root” wound behind each one. the roots were as follows

1. abandonment
2. mistrust/ trusting
3. fear of letting someone love me/ unworthiness

From that place she reminded me these are my core wounds from childhood or that developed relationally that i need to work on- my side of the street per say. from each there were subcategories.

1. fear of abandoment –> holding on tightly/ having a hard time following boundaries when i feel like i am being left./abandoned/unloved. (panic, anxiety, learning to self regulate) I become panicked/ anxious/ clingy in this state.

2.mistrust/ trusting –> controlling outcomes/ anchoring down and trying to micromanage anyone and anything i don’t trust (lack of ability to relax, be present, trust) i also become MEAN in this space.

3. fear of being loved/ unworthiness–> negative thought patterns about myself, my life and my capabilities. (translates to criticism, talking. more about myself, negativity). I become critical and negative about life in this space.

This is my work. These are my shadows. these are the DEEP parts of myself that i can identify. Before, i just identified them- but was not working to change them. I did not step into my work at all in the past. Instead , i focused on my partner’s work and his wounds, thoughts and actions. Instead of tuning into MYSELF and my own needs to be the healthiest i can, i became an incessant “fixer”. I was unable to look at me, address my side of the street , or better myself. It’s not that I was not willing – but I simply could not see until i took a step back. I was trying to make something work without accountability on my side, which was never going to work.

I am stepping into those things for the first time for my self. I find myself with these core wounds coming up in friendships, with my parents, and in my romantic partnership. I know they will follow me. I want to make an action plan- to become better. I want to be the healthiest most authentic version of myself, and actually enjoy my life. I want to laugh and be present. to have more FUN. I think if i develop more self trust by working on these areas, the fun will come back naturally. I wont have to work for it.

with my nervous system- this is the spot i am currently in and can focus on. I am in a situation that feels REALLY out of my control. The outcome I desire may or may not happen- but I know that I am responsible for how i respond and hold myself, despite not having control over the outcome. I feel a lot of fear, anxiety, uncertainty – but I am starting to lean in and trust myself one day at a time, while also soothing my nervous system in the process.

Healing, forgiveness, growth and acceptance are hard work. I thought i was doing all of those things the last 3 years, when really – I was just running in place. of course i burnt out. of course i became manipulative and exhausted. I am FINALLY ready to step in. (and also enjoy life, be more positive). This is the hardest thing i have ever done- but I know i can do hard things.

In my next post-I want to cover work, being a provider, and the growth/ realizations i have had since starting in september. Turns out- you learn a lot about yourself in every area or facet you immerse yourself in – just as long as you are paying attention.