I am in my third week feeling like i exist outside of my body. Writing that, i feel a little insane, but I have barely been able to function, sleeping up to 15 hours a day. Covid hit me so hard this week, of course sending my body into a gastroparesis flare on top of it. I have drained pretty much all of my PTO days, but I really am at terms with it.
I have had a lot of time to sit in and breathe through my feelings. Forced time alone, with just my thoughts. No outsourcing for soothing, calming – just me. Its about damn time I take responsibility for my own healing and emotions. I have reflected a lot on the person I have been. the resentful, negative, anxious version of myself that has shown up out of self protection in the last few years. I think while i was in that state- it was easy to blame matt. To look at what he wasn’t doing, or how he didn’t show up, and how it hurt me. to become controlling – out of fear rather than let go and trust. To believe his stance never changed, when in fact it very well could have- I just was blind to it. What i didnt realize or see in that time – was the person i was becoming. How I let being the victim and hurt person become my identity, and i completely lost happiness along the way. I value justice and righteousness to a fault- that it actually takes away my joy and day to day. I can see it from a removed perspective now- in how while matt changed in front of me over the last year, i couldn’t see it. I had decided last january that he was not in this from a genuine place and was just pleasing me and would never speak up or stand up- and i had to leave. I was conformed to see who and how he was the first 2 years and who he had been. I was blind to the person in front of me. I was so caught up in how I asked to work on things, his initial reactions and responses, that i was unable to see a shift or change my reactions despite the changes occurring in front of my eyes. I had gotten to a place where i was so unwell. I started acting out of integrity in the last year “getting the courage” up to leave. it took me 12 months of the worst behavior in my life. I have never treated another human- my family, my friends – nor myself- so poorly. Beyond that- I was out of control. I lost so much. friendships, amazing living opportunities, fun in my days and time off work, a chance at an actual healthy life with the person I still want to spend the rest of my years with, a chance at 2 feet in after an amazing mdma ceremony with so much clarity and ACTUAL change – all due to distrust, resentment, inability to choose love, choose happy, and choose presence. I have lost so much in the last 12-15 months. Of course I want to beg and plead to get it all back- but I can’t. This time- I am the one that can’t go back and re-do or make different choices. show up differently.
All i can do is work to change to be better. show up better. I may not get a second chance in the friendships i lost, or a real shot at 2 feet in with matt for the first time without the resentment, but even if I don’t – my shadows have shown me where my work lies. and im committed to doing it. I don’t want to live as the version of myself that has been present for the last year- arguably 1.5 years. I think the biggest realization i have had in the last several years that has come to light is – the goal is not about finding the “right” person – but about how finding your person is just the beginning. a person a you can see as flawed, yet love anyway. that you can be around for days and hours and not get tired of. that you can give the benefit of the doubt to. I used to want my “Fairy tale” back – the one that didnt really exist. I had a multi year tantrum over losing that fairy tale. Instead, i wasnt seeing what was right in front of me. the opportunity to CREATE and BUILD the love, something new. I didnt trust it because i asked matt to create and build it with me instead of letting him sit in his own emotions and navigate and ask me. (my answer then and now is yes lol). Instead I let anxiety and control take hold. Something that this time- i will not do. I found my person a long time ago, but I didn’t create a safe enough space for them to feel fully expressed and loved just as they were. I let resentment build, and stunted growth rather than allowed for expansion, created more fear, lost trust, and then left because i didn’t believe him. I also let anxiety take over me, control my friendships, and my shadow sides became dominant. I am ashamed and sad about what has transpired, but I also take full accountabiltiy and responsibility for how shitty i was to people i love dearly. I know that change starts from the inside, and I am only about a month and a half into that change, since the resentment and anger burned off. I started realizing (not just reading and nodding, but actually FEELING) that my happiness is my responaibility. my emotions, my health- its on me and only me. I know that sounds silly to someone on the outside , but after outsourcing due to trauma for the last several years, finding my power is huge. Taking hold and control is everything.
what ive started:
- dialectical behavioral therapy- this is for breath-work and nervous system regulation therapy. I cannot depend on friends or a partner to regulate me. That is completely unrealistic for individuality, or happiness. I also cannot call out of work or stop my life due to my overactive traumatized nervous system. I need to commit to learning to breathe through the discomfort and pain. I know this is due to my disorganized attachment in childhood, and fear of loss. I have to learn to connect and ground to myself in a healthy way.
- treatment for OCD. for years I thought I Just had bad anxiety– turns out all my insane panics about medical conditions i dont have, or cyclical thoughts are actually presentations of OCD. This changes so much. In addressing OCD and getting structured help for OCD, i anticipate actual change. I am. already seeing the difference in just a few short weeks.
- Letting shit go- I know that sounds ridiculous- but it really is about CHOOSING happy. choosing to see the good, and making the radical decision to accept things as unjust and love them anyway. to move on regardless. its an actual CHOICE. I used to say this but in my body i would think “no its not” . I see now – it really is. Your body will follow. We are taught to listen to our bodies- but with my trauma, i see that this may not always be the right solution. I have to trust my brain. Trust what i want my life to look and sound and feel like. To realize i DO Have the power to create it. This was a concept my brain could not get on board with for the longest time. I am just starting to see why this is imperative.
4. Committing even when im not “sure” . This one is huge. This past year I committed to nothing. I half assed a nursing job, a relationship, multiple moves, and even a contract to a job i wasnt even sure i wanted anymore. talk about unstable. I was so afraid to put two feet in ANYTHING. even the things I knew i wanted. i was so full of resentment, anger, comparison- that I couldnt see the beauty around me and the plethora of options all around me. I literally handicapped myself. I just kept wanting to run. run away to the next thing- only to run from that. The thing I am running from? turns out its myself. I convinced myself i wanted or didnt want so many things in the last year – year and a a half. I kept testing everyone around me. It was subconscious and fear based. I even escaped this summer in europe and tapped into a version of myself that was light and fun and free that reminded me of myself as a teenager – and i convinced myself that was who I wanted to be and how i wanted to live. I did it because the reality i was living in was too heavy, too hard, and i was so unsure how to get healthy again. I felt so lost. In that space I left the person i love the most. I even do it in my living space where i dont lean in and decorate and love my area. I am so afraid to commit. I realize now that my nervous system was never going to heal in a bunch of half ass commitments. It will only heal if i go 2 feet in. I lost my ability to go 2 feet in – on a lot of things- but I am going 2 feet in on my living space. I signed a 6 month lease. I know that sounds like nothing to many – but to me this is the biggest commitment i have been able to make in nearly 3 years. and i am going to make it home. I am going to really hone in and invest in myself, and try to live and love my life as it is.
5. Breaking this damn contract- quarterlife/ really more like 30 yr life lesson: NEVER sign a contract that requires copious amounts of money to break. This is not smart. it also makes you resent where you work even if you somewhat like it (if you have justice issues like i do). It goes beyond that for me in that – im not even sure what i want to do professionally. Part of me wants to write a book. Another open a studio or teach yoga full time. Split between yoga and personal training? I can’t fully tell you- but my idea of successful has changed A LOT. I used to be incredibly judgemental about whether or not someone went to school ,or what they chose as a profession. Now- i could honestly care less. Since october, I feel like I have been in a constant state of unlearning my old ways of living. realizing how different I am . what it is I really want. I have a lot of regrets for the last year and a half in how ive shown up in my life, and how ive treated people i love. again- i wish i could go back- but there is only forward. I will likely stay through september- as this will give me a chance to land with my personal work on myself. It will also hopefully be enough time to determine if i need to actually move on and find a new life partner or if the resentment/anger/dust/ fire will clear and if matt and I choose to enter union as two healthy individuals that know themselves, their boundaries, without control and actually build something healthy. I don’t know if that is a possibility, because it is not up to me alone- and matt may decide he does not want to choose me/ I am not a fit knowing himself – and while that would hurt, it would allow for me to close and lock the door. I would start up the very large mountain of truly getting over him- and hopefully within a year or two- would find a different life partner. I know he is a life partner/fit for me- but I would actually have to hold myself to a standard of healthy if we were to go that road again given how my shadow sides can come out – and be radically honest with myself if i were to travel down old paths. I also know that I am not healthy enough to do that right now. Basically- im working on breaking all sorts of contracts.
6. stop testing people. I started doing this as a kid with my mom- because she would lie about taking drugs/ drinking. It became part of my internal wiring- and i can see now how unhealthy/. manipulative this can be. I think we all have the possibility to be manipulative / toxic- and with actual effort and change- are able to unwire it. I am just beginning that process. I realized when i broke space last month that i was still in a state of “Testing” rather than trust. Nothing good will or could ever come from living in a testing place. to build trust, I have to give trust a chance to actually be built. i need to approach things from a calm and accepting place, rather than a charged one with ammo and “Testing” .
Beyond everything i just wrote, there is so much more. I see the need for change in how i approach my job as well. I am caught up in the “shoulds” and get bogged down in what is going wrong, rather than enjoying the ride and the day to day. Same goes with my parents, or in conflict. I fight to prove justice, not for resolution which i see for the first time is extremely flawed. I don’t want to be right anymore, I just want to be happy.
I should mention that a lot of good has happened lately, too. Its easy to journal on the bad or the areas that need improvement. I have been working with sophie- which has been huge! I have noticed I light up when working with her and become increasingly optimistic. I have made a close new friend at work who calls me out on my shit – which is hard when so many of my friends are married with kids. I also realize that if and when i do get married, i dont want to be isolated. I want to be fun! and social- have poeple over often, host parties, dinners, have family over, bring their kids over etc. I never want to be an isolated couple with my partner. I got caught in that trap over the last few years and i realize i never want that again. When i was in emotional pain, those things felt so hard. I wasnt able to see them as light or fun.
The end of this entry is really all over the place, and I could probably continue for hours – i think thats my brain with covid/ GI flare- but I wanted to get a lot of this down on paper/screen. I get really caught up in my head. Getting it all out actually does WONDERS for me. I used to be too anxious and would just cycle it around and around to whoever would listen- but that was when i was not taking responsibility for myself. Finding grounding mechanisms is key. I think typing out my thoughts is in the top 3 things that work best. I dont want this to be a performance blog- but instead a personal place to process and move through my emotions. I will get back to where i want to be. One day at a time. I do like who i am. I think we all can get lost sometimes.