yes, I am still alive. and writing. just haven’t been on this platform.
I recently heard one of my favorite authors speak to envy. She stated that envy differs from jealousy, as envy comes from a place of not acting on a desire you COULD have or do. It should be an emotion that then leads to action. I seldom experience envy, but one of the places I have always felt it the most is writing. Every time I read a memoir, self help books, or piece that makes me introspect, I feel completely lit up inside, but also a shit load of envy. I have more to say. I want to add on to their points, and run with it.
If I were as organized and on top of life as I’d like to be, I’d probably pencil in a block of time to sit and write it out on this blog, or another organized place but life doesn’t always work that way. Instead, I often just jotting random paragraphs into the notes section of my phone and can never find anything haha. So here I am, trying to make time to digest process and let it out.
The truth is, the last year (almost 2) have been the most challenging of my life. I feel like I say that with each passing year, and it starts to make me wonder if as we grow older it just gets harder. I tell myself that isn’t true, but have yet to see the evidence to prove my hopeful take. there will be ups and downs, right?! (Ready for an up over here).
I have accomplished a lot in many areas of my life in the last few years, but I have mostly felt stuck, like I have been running in place for the last 6-7 months. The most important relationship in your life is the one with yourself, second to that is the one to your partner. Let me tell you what, my relationship with my partner (but mostly myself) was greatly suffering this summer. I was slowly starting to suffocate as I lost myself to my emotions, trauma, re-runs of events, and anger. If you know me well, I am a lot of things but angry is not one of them. I can get a little fiesty or snap back, but I am generally able to talk it out or move through it in no time at all. I don’t hold onto anger. Yet, as May hit, my semester ended and i took a moment to decompress, and so many emotions within me surged. I felt myself crumble into a cascade of really unstable emotions that led to events between me and the most important person in my life. It profoundly effected the dynamic between us, but more importantly it really shook me up inside. It made me reflect on how I was showing up, who I was becoming and how far from myself I was. I was a complete and utter ball of anxiety, fear ,and anger. I am used to anxiety, but not nearly to the capacity i was feeling it- and anger and fear are two new emotions for me. I needed to save myself.
I was making myself miserable. I was waking up in anger and fear, and falling asleep with crippling anxiety. Week after week. I tried everything. I had hit my cap. My partner is often smarter than me, though I don’t give him enough credit. I see red and am unable to see his point of view. It takes me time to digest what he says and feels. He kept saying “Test me” “See my growth” and let go. He could feel me slipping away I think , but I wasn’t ready to risk pain again. I started to lose myself because I was afraid of him hurting me, yet there I was hurting myself. Keeping myself in a cycle of trauma.
I think I was too scared. it showed me how must trust I didn’t have, but at that point it was me destroying the partnership. I was making us both miserable. At the end of July, I was a shell of a person. It was a combination of my health, corona, school and my relationship but I couldn’t deny it any longer. I had to trust and take a leap of faith. So here I am, in the midst of the ultimate test. I already feel myself becoming unstuck. clear. more like myself. I laugh every day, my digestion is moving, and my apartment is clean. I am focused, and feel more love for myself again. I have energy to work out, focus on school, spend time with people i love. Sometimes I find myself in a “what if” spiral, but I have made a promise to myself I will never enter back into a place where I am putting my mental health or outcome in another person. I needed to take the step back and see what happens. empowerment is in trust. its in seeing what happens. I know I am doing my part, and that is simply all I can do. The rest is not up to me. All I can do is take someone elses actions choices and honesty and then make moves that will benefit me the most in the long run from there. I can hope or manifest for an outcome, or to see commitment and growth, but in no way shape or form can I control it. I think for the first time in 2 years, I am done “sitting in it”. I am clear on steps forward.
We are often taught that love and control often go hand in hand, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. When you love someone, telling them what to do, how to live or what to think only takes them further from their core self. We may think we know whats best for another person, but we probably don’t. It is all projections of our own core belief systems. When you really love someone, you’ll use no control. Let them be. Let them show you, show up and feel full autonomy in their own life. Pending that they are honest and want whats best for you, you will have a beautiful full picture. I think i struggled with this concept for a long time because I didn’t have trust in my mother. I was afraid if I didnt have some level of knowledge, she would kill herself and it would somehow be my fault. She was secretive and lied often, and I was never possessive or demanding, but yet i felt myself in a constant state of worry and mistrust. I never carried this over into my personal relationships, until i did. I felt the same emotions creep up when my personal life shattered in 2018. It took me time, but I have learned and come back to the same concept: the only way through is through, and when people show you who they are, believe them. I think I am finally through the anger, and I am ready to see who my partner is and for the first time in 2 years, I am ready to listen.