2018

Ground breaking

If I only had one word to sum up this year, it would be groundbreaking.

I got comfortable with the uncomfortable. I found acceptance within myself when I was losing everything. Since February, lifes been putting my strength to the test.

Everything I knew as solid and sound got stripped away from me with each passing month. By the time July hit, I looked back and thought: “it can only go up from here”. Damn was I wrong.  My passion and outlet  ceased with a torn labrum in May. We were talking about removing care from my mom after 22 days in the icu before she started to turn around in late August. I started working 7pm to 7am in the NICU,  the hours isolating me from everyone I cared about. Two of my closest friends and support system players moved away and I entered into more long distance than anyone should be tested to. It was my first year of learning how to be an icu nurse and that alone was stressful. I even started noting physical symptoms due to the sheer stress and anxiety my body and mind was put to. My baseline gi dysmotility became the norm and I was presented with curveballs and challenges week after week, month after month. It’s been exhausting.

I got through my toughest days by keeping my thoughts and intentions on the long term goals and the future. I faltered and started distributing my anxiety and unhappiness on those closest to. Me. I sought out therapy for the first time. PSA it helps bunches. I was completely exhausted in all forms of the word. Frustrated. Over it.

My “rocks” were flipping over faster than I could handle. I grappled with how to move forward some days. I signed up for a swim race and set goals. Planned a trip to SE Asia because it’s my favorite region in the world with my person. I got used to saying I’m not okay. Feeling helpless became my new normal.

In the midst of this , I began to Find strength I didn’t know existed. I had to.  I became a NICU nurse. I found friendships in people six months ago I never would have opened up to. I traveled to 3 continents with people that mean the world to me. I bungee jumped off a bridge in South Africa. swam in the Dead Sea. saw the most spiritual temple and ritual I’ve ever witnessed in Sri Lanka. Hiked mountains. Ran half marathons. Got in both the best and worst physical shape of my life in an 11 month period.  learned to laugh at the inevitable. swam across the freaking ocean in Virgin Islands. Strengthened relationships. Got into NP school. learned to love myself when all coping mechanisms went out the window. I began to Value myself for more than my physical accomplishments from running or swimming, how busy my calendar was, or how I defined myself from an external perspective. I found true love for myself within my soul.

Into late fall, i thought I was on the final stretch and the work of positive change heading towards the finish line when my entire world was turned upside down for what felt like the 100th time this year but this time everything I thought I knew was swept out from under me.  I was faced with the hardest decisions of my life and crippling heartbreak I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Devastating and suffocating truths that in no way were a reflection of me or anything that I am surfaced. Even the people closest to us have their own demons and sometimes there’s only so much we can do to help them. Walking the line between loving selflessly and doing what’s best for you – thinking long term and losing everything you’ve built is catastrophic. Sometimes nobody can help you with or through things no matter how much you want a life line. It has to come from within you. Finding that flame and inner fight that we all have inside us.

Sitting with sheer and utter heartbreak the last two months of the year to wrap it up. The finish line sav. It’s the end of the marathon. couldn’t eat. Sleep. Run. Function. Laundry piled up. called out of work. Penny litter wasn’t changed. I started to actually lose it but as with all things in life, at some point you come up for air. still waiting on that part, but with each passing day it feels more possible.

I also started noticing a happiness that came from other places . A gratefulness in the small things. Smiles. Conversations I normally wouldn’t think much of. The sun and fresh air after 3 night shifts in row walking out of the hospital. Breathing in Hugs from those closest to me. Love.

I got to experience the greatest love. Infatuation, lust, electrical and emotional connection. the kind of love that makes you feel like your heart could fall out of your chest. A sexual connection so strong  you feel like you could just jump em at any second no matter how many years pass.  That nothing else in the world matters. Aspirations and dreams can be made possible because of that love. Like youre invincible. I fell utterly and completely into that love for years. It was beautiful. And the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I wouldn’t trade that type of love or feeling for anything in this world. I’m so lucky to have gotten the chance to love like that and to be loved. How beautiful it is to have these emotions. To have a love story like that. I don’t know what is coming next, but I am so grateful. The people I love. the privilege I have had. The hardship. Absolutely all of it.

2018 was my personal worst. It was groundbreaking. I also have never grown so much. I don’t do resolutions but I set intentions. It starts with a feeling. And right now that feeling is  confidence. I’m more proud of myself and have found more love for myself in the last 12 months than i ever have, and don’t plan on stopping any time soon.

thankful to all of my people and everyone that helped me through my personal hell this year, especially those that live nowhere near me and kept me sane 😂.

spending my holidays working night shift with the Nicu babies this year, and honestly I’m content doing just that.

Why journal publicly on my worst year ever?  when I want life updates, I want all the things. The whole picture. We all have our ups and downs. Sometimes it’s  helpful and insightful to know what other people go through rather than making assumptions. Nobody is perfect. We all have room to grow. And shitty years. Too often the tougher stuff gets glazed over. Nobody wants to acknowledge it, but without taking responsibility for the shitty stuff, our mistakes, actions and choices, how are you ever supposed to grow?   In the long run you may end up reaching out or utilizing others as resources for your own tough times when you feel less alone. It may help you grow.  I’ve done that before. And now I’m just rambling. Happy healthy new year ❤️

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