Somewhere between I want it and I got it (thanks drake)

In the midst of sharing health and wellness education, its been awhile since I have gathered my thoughts into words composed enough for anyone but myself to process.  The days move slow and the years fly fast, and I wanted to take a few to talk about expectations. It’s hard to stop and soak in where we are rather than keeping eyes on the next season or even the next weekend. I am absolutely guilty of it, especially when it comes to “waiting” for something to start.  If I look at any single area in my life, I can dissect it to waiting. My thoughts on working “when I graduate from UGA” or “when I train for this ironman” and “After I pass the nursing boards”. Even the smaller things such as “I will clean my bathroom this weekend, this week is too crazy” or simply asking someone what they are up to for the weekend, assuming that the weekdays and each day don’t account for valuable time.  The million other intentions we set and never do- or the plans we put on hold to wait for just the right time. Or even that excitement of moving to a new city in the future and having the vision of what will happen in your mind. (maybe I am the only crazy one that does that).  Recently so many of my anticipatory plans and what I have assumed are being altered left and right.

As I am sure you could guess, it doesn’t bode all that well with me. Or it didn’t – anyway. For those that don’t know me well- while I am absolutely down for all of the adventure, I am also extremely regimented and type A. Not in the “makes straight A’s and always has a made bed” sense, but moreso in the structure and composure of my life. I always have a plan. In fact, if plan A fails, you best bet I have plans b-z for back up.

 

My plan from my first year in college was nursing school, my plan to run a half marathon developed around 18 as well. I decided at 19 I would start to see more of the world. but then- UGA didn’t have a nursing program- I had bad knee pain when I ran- I was in school and couldn’t travel unless I did a study abroad. So I adjusted. Back then it didn’t seem so bad- I just pushed my plans to later and they unfolded just beautifully.

My health promotion degree was the best thing that ever happened to me. it developed my foundation and passion for health as I am today. Me staying at UGA rather than  transferring to nursing school allowed me to find the love of my life and fabulous years with best friends.   While I didn’t end up running my first half until I was 21, when I did finally push past the boundaries so many doctors told me I shouldn’t due to my bone grafts and surgeries, it was that much more liberating.

And then – a bunch of things I didn’t plan happened.  I trained for a triathlon on a whim- literally a whim. I graduated with honors (lets not talk about my first year of college). I decided to run a march marathon in late january. I got into every nursing school I applied to.  My relationship that I thought was crashing and burning ended up being my rock and the strongest thing in my life, and that still persists today.  I strengthened my relationship through my weaknesses and health vulnerabilities. I traveled the world and realized my strengths in health and wellness.

The less glamorous unplanned happened as well- I got slammed with gastroparesis and SIBO. None of my nursing schools lined up with Matt’s school, familial illness got rough. Waking up and showing up every day became a struggle. Most recently, I’ve been doing long distance, working full time in the NICU, with a torn labrum therefore my running (also my lifeline) is limited, and I currently cannot for the life of me come up with a solution to NP school that fits into Matt’s schedule with residency. The unpredictability that comes with  two ambitious and motivated people, neither of who want to make sacrifices that compromise career is infuriating at times. My picture perfect timeline has been shattered and redirected multiple times within the last 6 months. My academic goals for the future and navigating around Matt is far from who I am, and I struggle to find a way to fit it all in. My goal offset time and time again.  Navigating in a direction I have never imagined they would take me, here I am changing wedding plans around, agreeing to limit my  physical activity and putting so many of my “time line regimented” and predictability plans on hold. Making adjustments. Letting the nature of life intertwine itself into the rigid, and trusting the process.

Even saying trusting the process causes acute anxiety for me-  safe to say I am not quite there yet, but I am working on it. I am learning to teach myself to love and to live where I am rather than waiting on the next phase or goal in my life to hit. No time will feel perfect.No more wishing I could press the skip button. the more pressure, the less likely it will bring that profound a-ha accomplishment built up in my head. sometimes the less navigating we do, the get closer to where we need to be. Even reflecting on my past 7 years, the spontaneous chances brought a hell of a lot more good than my strict plans. It pains me to say it but I realize I have so much growth to go in this arena.

so here are my current thoughts (holding myself accountable).

Sav

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